I know it seems strange, but I actually enjoy teaching Chemistry! However, in this economy, I want to be as marketable as possible so I'm getting my alternate certification in EVERY science 8-12. This means I'm studying Biology, Physics, Geology, and Chemistry!
It's all a little overwhelming!
I know usually my blog post is honest - yet inspiring. I've shown you just how real I feel and yet how I'm clinging to a very real God.
However, yesterday and a little today - I'm not that strong. My Mom asked me how I was going to handle my weak and cynical feelings with my blog readers. I told her, that I think I just need to be just as real & honest on days like this as I am others.
So here goes...
As I was studying Physics I came across a definition that made me stop in my tracks.
Entropy is a measure of the amount of disorder in a system. To take it right from the textbook I'm studying...
"As disorder increases, entropy increases. Organized structures in time become disorganized messes. Things left to themselves run down."
When I read this I just had to laugh out loud! This has been my life for the past few days. I've been rather negative and cynical lately. I feel like my entire life is one disorganized mess!
I worked really hard at being a godly wife. I did my best to live a real and yet respectable life as a Pastor's Wife. And where did all that hard work get me? Widowed!
So, if I apply that nonsense thinking to what I'm doing now...
I'm working really hard - studying countless hours on things I don't have the slightest recollection of and am having to reteach myself many things and where is this going to take me? It could take me to a job - or God could say no to that as well - just like He said no to being married to John.
So why even bother?! The Sovereignty of God rules and reigns right? He's going to do whatever He sees fit to do no matter what I do, right? I could do all this studying and God could still have other plans in mind for me. This too, could end in just one big disappointment.
Do you know what's happening in my spirit? Look at the Entropy definition again. "Things left to themselves run down."
The past couple of days have been really hard. I have lived in a "run down" position. I'm working hard - but not very confident of the outcome.
But... as I read further in my Physics textbook I found this...
"Entropy normally increases in physical systems. However, when there is work input, as in living organisms, entropy decreases. Energy must be transformed into the living system to support life. When it is not, the organism soon dies and tends toward disorder."
Energy must be transformed into the living system. Perhaps this is the key to changing how I'm feeling. Perhaps I beed energy from the Lord to transform my way of thinking! I need something that will infuse itself into my very spirit and support life!
I know I typically have a great Bible verse for everyone to lean on for the day. Instead I give you definitions from a high school Physics Textbook. This is where my head has been for the past couple of days. I know it seems strange - but I still saw my God in this place.
I still know He still reigns and that He has a future and a hope for me. Lately though, it's been hard to see.
Thanks for your continued prayers and support. They mean the world to me!